Another 4 days^^

Another 4 days to go.
Anything can happen within this days but I cannot tolerate with my feelings anymore.
The feeling of impatient and the feeling of freedom is everywhere^^.
I swear to God, this is the moment that I waiting since I came here.
I am regret of choosing here.
But looking back in this couple of months I very thankful to all therapist here.
Because of them, I discovered that I am not ready yet to handle pediatrics case.
I discovered that I don't like kids! So how lar this... matai if ada anak sendiri huhu
Maybe it is true that I am suit to handle burn cases, because my own attitudes.
I don't like to talk with others, I do like to focus on my task only.
What else I discovered here?
I am average girl in and out (that's the fact)
I am improving in my own ways ( of course lar^^)
I can handle my own feelings ( wkakakakaka! not really)
No hatred to others (really??? Phuuuuiiii i am good in camouflage what)
Close to God (yeah! I have faith on you)
Close to my families ( everyday I called them to complaint^^)
Close to mr.Bf (everyday he gave me a positive thinking)
and of course
I am so very closed with my blog! (tempat meluahkan segalanya hehehe^^)

Stop

I don't like peoples to look or watch my every single step because I don't like attention.
I am not an attention seeker!
Again.. NOT ATTENTION SEEKER OK!
So stop interfere in my life.
I'm just an average girl who had her own personal space!
And I do really care of my own business.
I don't care your business but why must you disturbed mine?
Stop annoying me!
Do you think you're perfect enough to spoke out on your own?
So, if you perfect enough then make your own way, don't try to bother others especially mine.
Eye Contact?
Oh,please! Who are you til I want to make an eye contact every time we had conversation?
I don't care if you said I have poor eye contact.
Did it disturbed you life? NO,right? So stop behave like a perfectionist in front of me.
Don't talk without thinking!
So pity on you. Sometimes you make a jokes about yourself by reflected others.
Poor you!
Very irritated when you make a jokes about others. I wonder...
You want others to respect you, but please.. take a mirror and look yourself first before talking bad like that.
You are such a !@#$%^&****! With full arrogant attitude.
There's no meaning if I want to respect you.
Not worth it!

Cannot Wait

I cannot wait til next week!
Why? Because I want to go back or the fact reason is I want to run away from this hell.
I really don't like this place so much. So annoying and irritating.
Gosh! Just because I am student a.k.a trainee, I'd been entertained like a rubbish!
Damn! Really hypocrite to be here.
This is me. I only talk when I need too. And I only respect to the person who respect themselves and others.
But in this case, I NEED to respect you just because you are my superior.
How powerful if you have power a.k.a superior?
I promise to my self I will not entertain like you did to me to my junior or trainee under me in the future.
I wish I can be a good therapist in the future. Not a specialist one, but I just want to be the human being therapist.
Stop with the wish!
I can feel the time is running so slow. Haish!
Why you so slow? I wish I be in KL this weekend.
How I wish that.
Only my body here, but my soul already packed her things and back to KL...
Wuuuuuuaaaaaaa.. So kejam!
I don't care about my marks anymore.
Cos I know, I already did my best and all out for my self.
And still if you gave me a low marks then I feel sorry to you.
To jealousy with others. And it will return to you one day!

Another Hate

Just woke up from sleep.
And roommate continue her sleep after I asked her to do so.
I know we in a same boat. But I salute her because she can manage her stress very well.
Not like me. I need to admit that my coping skills is very poor.
Everytime the stressful hitting me, what can I do just blame myself and cry.
That's the only way that I found can make me calm.
I know it's wrong, but I need to admit that I followed my own flow.
That's the only way I can gain my own strength. The way I found myself calm.
The way I give sensory input to my brain.
The way I make myself keep on thinking.
Keep on aware.
Keep on hating this place.

There's a lot of work waiting for us.
But can I blame ourself not to do that?
Our body, mind and spirit are totally damn tired.
We need to re-energize them..
We need a rest.
Maybe a week of holiday.
Maybe a short time of practical.
Maybe a few works only.
Maybe a changeable placement.
Maybe a switching therapist in charge.
Or
Maybe it's time for us to go back to college...
I wish I'm in college right now.
Attending my class. Listen to my tutor mumbling in front.
Watching my friends sleeping while classes.
Re-join my buddies laughing and teasing each other.
How I love being around them.
How I love being secure.
Not here!
Not in this place I called Hell Placement!
Not here!
Place that I can't found my security and trust.

Silence

Sometimes silence speak louder than words!
But for me my silence is everything.
It's help me to tell the person of everything. That why I know the power of being silence.
By silence, I can tell people
* I don't like her/him
* I hate YOU
* I am mad
* I don't have mood
* I'm not interested at your stories
* You're boring person
* I am speechless
* I don't have idea
* I'm respecting you
and probably
I am a Good Listener ^^

P/s: But here in Ipoh I'd been silence because I don't felt the sense of security. I kept silence because I am nobody, I am fooled by surrounding and I hate to be here with most of the peoples here. They are such a good manipulative peoples..--> Talam 2 muka paling annoying

Hatred

I just had a long conversation with my mum and dad thru phone.
I know I make them sad and worried bout me here.
I just can't stand too long, and I burst out. I cried and cried.
I don't know how to start a conversation with them.
Even one words or even a hello.
Everytime I called them, I will cry.
That's why I hate to call home.
They asked me to be patience here.
I wish I can too but with this situation even others also can't stand with it.
How I hate this girl. Too fragile in and out!
Couldn't stand too long, couldn't face a challenge.
I am sorry daddy.
I am sorry mummy.
I cannot make both of you proud.
I just can make both of you worried bout me.

Block

My mind is block!
No way out. Just a narrow way to death place.
How i hate this kind of mind.
Agak2 lar klu nak datang..
Time org practical time tue lar otak nak shutdown.
If shutdown 1 ari ja xper lar jg.. Nie da dekat seminggu!
Da smpai tahap kena label budak bodoh lar plak!
God, i know everything happen got reason.
But why u give me this at this moment?
What actually u want me to learn?
Please.... I'm begging u..
I can't stand it anymore.
Please bring me out.
I give up.
Totally!

thank Q

Thank You Soooooo Much To You my dear supervisor..
U make me cry again and again. By the way, I want to admit I'm not like you. I'm not as smart as you. But whatsoever don't ever called me stupid cos u might get it one day. Maybe not u but ur family!
Don't ever try to heat me up. Cos u might regret it.
Do whateva u like. Say whateva u want. Act whateva style.
But watch ur step. U might fall and never get up.
I promise u!
Thank Q!

Nothing

I just came back from a nearby shop. And on the way home, I went to 7E and then drop by to stall to bought Benjo burger hahaha^^ Since I study in KL, I learned a lots of thing especially the food here..
Let start with Nasi Dagang, Nasi Kerabu, Nasi Kukus and so on...
Plus, went I am in Kedah I really2 enjoy the food there. Since, I stayed with my foster family I totally gained weight. Imagined in 1 months I almost heat 58kg huahuahua... Punya lar sandi!
Even I said to Mama I want to diet but she always said "Thieya, x kesian ngan mama ker? Mama penat masak tp xder saper nak makan. Nanti Thieya balik kl x dpt rasa masakan mama.." huhu.. What else I can do besides eat all the food.. haha.. --> How I miss Mama's cooking right now huhu..
Ayam masak merah, Udang sambal tumis, Ketam berkuah, Ikan panggang, and the one my favourite is Mee Kari.. I swear! Mama's mee kari is the best in the world. I can eat more than 5 times hahaha -->punya godoot nie anak kan^^ Plus, I met and know this person--> Kak .... huhu sorry I forgot ur name but I still can remember ur face..
I still remember the moment when we went to ur house,kak.. Punya lar sedap itu ikan ntah apa2 hehe.. but is so nice and now it make me drooling nyum nyum..
Ok! Stop talking bout food. It make me more hungry right now..

* Roomate said to me just now.."Thieya,u know everywhere we went to one place we met and knew new person kan?" And I just paused a while and think bout it. Then I realized it's true.
Like just now. I can talk and have a conversation with the 7E workers like we already know each other since a years.. hahaha.. lawak if i tell the whole story here.. No need to share lar..

WTF

When people said you're stupid what do u feel? or what is your reaction? Of cos mad,rite?
Same goes here. I am mad when I heard this person said like that to me. But after think it wisely, then maybe i need to admit that i am a stupid person. Not because i'm not study ( as the person refer me too) but because i have problem to remember all the topic inside my bo0k!
What do u expect from me? Hafal 1 buku then tell u everything? WTF! I do respect u, but only if u respect me too. After a month working with u, I realize there's no respect for u. U not fit with my criteria of respect!
Hey! One thing. Don't look for me if u need a praise. And don't think that I will follow whateva u said. Maybe I am quiet person, but i am a good observer. And I am very good when came to instinct games! Watch ur step, my dear. Cos I am 1 step closer to u.. And please stop looking at me. Cos I know u don't want it too.
Macam sial ja kan klu tgk muka sy. So, as u wish. Go ahead..
Ingat sy suka sgt tgk muka ko. X payah lar tgk.. Nnt btambah dosa ko.
Yelar.. asal tgk muka sy ja, confirm hati da meluat and mula lar nak myumpah dlm ati..
Kan tambah dosa lar tue..
But apa2 hal pun, sy nak ucap sori byk2 sbb wat ko dissapointed.
Sy jg nak ckp thanx byk2 sbb tunjuk ajar ko slama sebulan nie.. Minta maaf byk2 sbab otak sy x blh trima input yg ko bg..BUKAN SALAH KO TP SALAH SY!
minta maaf ek..
sbb sy x layak jd trainee ko.
dan sy pun sbnarnya sgt2 lar menyesal datang kat cni and ,menjadi trainee ko.
sy bharap sgt2 cpt2 lar masa blalu..
sy nak balik kolej..
sy dah x sggup bdepan ngan perangai auta ko tue.. d tambah dgn hal politik korg yg meningkan kepala sy ja..

Okukuro kou noh koupusan

I was listening this song sang by Francis Landong "Okukuro Konoh Koupusan" and I keep on repeating it. I am not boring when I heard this song. I don't know why. Maybe because the rhythm is so touching for me lar --> sign symptom i'm missing someone huhu..
I don't know what this Dusun song meant for.. maybe "how are you,love".. I am kadazan but honestly I really2 not expert in this language.. but some of the words I know the meaning but I just don't know how to talk in kadazan.. shame on me :(
Ok! Let me quote a few lyric and I try my best to translate from my very own understanding^^

• okukuro ko koupusan (how are u love)
  
• ososogigit kou noh daa (hope u r fine)
  
• daa ko poh kumaa dogo (???)
  
• ososonong oku ii ( im also fine)
  
• totuong osongulunanku (alone in the night)
• oipii koginavan ditoo (dreaming of our love)
  
• koruhang oku do modop (accompanied me to sleep)
  
• momolingos langad ku dikaa ( treat my feeling of missing u)
  
• oipii ku iika koupusan sinta ( i'm dreaming of u)
  
• mulongpiat poh ii posik oku (????)
  
• sundung sopii sonduu opurimanan ku id doros ku (even we r far away i feel u near)
  
• koupusan okukuro koh noh (love how r u)
  
• totuong id toloid (in the night)
  
• osogit opurimananku (i felt cold)
  
• sogit tongus tongotuong ( cold by night wind)
  
• imang poh sorou dikaa ( want to think bout u)

*hahaha.. i don't know if it correct but based on my understanding this is the result^^

Correct me

Correct me if i am wronged!!!!
No need to teased me cos I know where is my limit.
I know I'm not good in theory so do in my practical.
I am blurred with everything. I got panic attack since I was kid.
So, how I want to change it?
I admit I am nervous and I don't like peoples look at me when I'm doing my work.
Especially stared at me. All my worked seems clumsy and ugly from the very start u looked at me.
I don't need attention from others. Cos' I am an ordinary person with no specialty.

Honestly, this is hard for me! Totally!!!
Tension tahap dewa i tell u!
WTH!
Deep inside I want to cry. Cry out loud. But I can't! I need my family. I need my baby.
I need God. Arrrrggghhhh!
Please help me!
I can't stand it anymore. This 3 weeks killing me hardly.
No sleep time. No leisure. No pamper time...
I want my old days!
Luckily, I remember my family hopes..
Just be strong my dear self.. U can do it.
U can go thru in God's willing..
Just have faith on God and urself.
Amen~

God

I was touched when i saw this couple who have kids that's not normal like other kid. Their son diagnosed as CP spastic quadriplegia and daughter got this kienfield syndrome (if im not mistaken) plus cleft palate. I know deep down their heart they sad because of their life. Could u imagine as a parent and ur children is not normal and the rest of ur life ur child need u, totally dependent. How sad! Even when they make a jokes even laugh together their heart are broken into the pieces everytime they look at their child.
Im lucky enough because i was born as a normal person. Even though i am ex premature baby, i still survive and grow as a normal kid with a normal development..
Lucky enough, that i don't have those kind of condition.
I was touched when i look at this unlucky kids. Im trying my best to give my best to them.
Everytime they show some improvement even head up their head without support, i was too happy for them.
God, help me through all this things. I want to help them.
But I know I was weak during this practical. I'm losing myself.
Cannot control my mind even my own self.
I am out of my mind every time I make a moved..
And I know I bring together my family hopes and dreams.
I don't want to let them down..
God Help me... AMEN

My own

it's saturday evening
am sitting in front of lappy with blunted face
i just couldn't imagine my self cryin in front of my frens
how fool am i..huhu

i want to be strong
that's all i need
BUT
i was weak and alone
couldn't express my own thoughts
thing i can do is only pray
that the way where i can find PEACE

my mind was block with no idea at all
i am scared of my own self
i don't know what happen to me
i wish i can fix
but i'm drown
then

Finally

hey my lil blog!
ur owner finally at Ipoh Perak right now..
Watched House in her lappy while blogging in this small room that she & her friends rented..
lalalalala~
Feeling like check-in hotel owh hehe^^
with aircond & the bathroom inside a room huhu what else i can say..
im lucky enough to have this room even it Quite expensive for ME --> RM200 per person & per month owh
lucky that there is no RATs running here & there while we were sleeping --> this happen to one of my friend while she doing her practical here
I can't imagine the rats running here & there, smiling or giggling at me while im sleeping or even worst tickle my toes ( eeeeeewwwwwhhhhhhh!!!!! help me world.. I can't stuck in one room with RATS eeeeeee!!! geli! )
OK! stop the story bout the rat.
let's continue with the mall here..^^
Since came here i'd visited only 2 malls that i can said quite near from us..
Greentown Mall & Ipoh Parade
Greentown Mall --> besar lg tue Megalong owh.. yg sy suka wafer dia murah compared d kolej & plus sna ada mobile city (i'm eye-ing Nokia E5, Nokia E72 & also SE Xperia there hahaha^^ murah ei.. gatal my tgn maw p bli suda hehehe^^ BUT yg x best mr.bf bg warned me not to buy those things or i will not get my own DSLR huhu) but he promised me to looked once he back from Brunei hehe^^ ada chan lar sy dpt hp bru nie kikikiki^^
lg sy suka sna ada bowling tp x cinema huhu..
Ipoh Parade --> nie tmpat kira dekat jg lar ma tmpt tgl pdhal maw ampus sy jln kaki huahuahua
sna ada apa ar??? mula2 msk sy rasa mcm d SOGO then xlama mcm d Mid & x lma mcm d 1B hahaha^^ penat kaki sy bjln nie..adei x smpt sy round habis..
yg sy smpat captured in mind ada GSC & Bowl, Marrybrown, Sushi King & byk lagi lar..
maw ja sy bgtaw ada kdai cina sna hahahaha^^
what else im gonna to let you know ar???
--> SOON! i need to learn how to naik bus here or sy jd papa kedana by next week!
ahaks!!
thanx to Husna for her kue raya..
syiok owh klu ada stock kue raya in front of ur eyes kan hahaha^^